Beluga whales are one of the most majestic, beautiful creatures to ever walk the Earth. They live as long as us, weigh as much as large trucks, and are the most gentle creatures in God’s great oceans. But however graceful they may be, they are a species in crisis- existential crisis.
You see, America, beluga whales- though amazing in our eyes- see themselves as purposeless and isolated, alone in cold and unforgiving waters and doomed to a life of eating dolphins and contemplating what exists beyond their territory. Much like us, they are struck with a sense of hopelessness that never seems to subside, constantly considering their own mortality and the soul-robbing slavery that comes from absolute freedom. These whales, gorgeous creatures, view themselves as important- as individuals, but exist within a psychological paradox where life as a whole is without purpose, meaning, or importance.
How can such an amazing creature survive in such turmoil? How can they awake every morning, put on their whale clothes, and know that no matter what they do today, it will be nothing more but added grains amidst the sands of time? How can beluga whales, the most profound and inspiring animal to ever breathe, keep breathing when they know that it’s just not worth the effort?
Truth be told, they can’t. In the past ten years, the beluga whale suicide rate has increased exponentially. Whereas in 1999 one in every fifty beluga whales were found dead next to a hose connected to their whale car’s exhaust pipe, in 2009 the projected rate is a staggering one in one-half.
One in every half a beluga whale is going to die this year, and it’s up to us to stop them. It’s up to us to save the whales from themselves, to give them love and to show them that meaning exists in personal relationships. It is through our compassion that they will break out of their Sartrerian nightmare, and through our love that the shadows may subside and the beluga whales break free of the philosophical chains that hold them prisoner within their own minds.
Save the Whales From Themselves is a new, revolutionary take on ecoactivism. We are hitting the problem of whale suicide right in its core. We are going to CHANGE THE WORLD, and here’s how we’re going to do it:
1. Befriend- show the beluga whale that humans are allies. Give them faith in relationships. 2. Seduce- caress the whales around their blowhole areas. Nibble on their whale ears. Replace their water with red wine and their calls with Barry White. 3. Fuck- I wish to have sexual intercourse with a beluga whale.
It is through YOUR support, YOUR efforts, and YOUR sacrifices that we will save this species, and through Save the Whales From Themselves that we will give birth to a new breed of ecoactivism. Today we fusave beluga whales, tomorrow we fucsave panda bears and dogs, and by the end of 2020 we’ll have taken advantasaved of every last species on this planet. This is YOUR revolution, America. This is the FUTURE of bestialitecoactivism, and it starts TODAY with the beluga whale and Save the Whales From Themselves.
Advocate, Donate, Participate. The beluga is Earth’s most sexprecious resource, and with your help it will stay sexy.
::::BELUGA WHALE FACTS::::
Did you know: Beluga whales weigh up to 10 tons? That's almost a thousand Honda Civics! Did you know: Beluga whales have been known to eat entire families of dolphins in one sitting? Did you know: Beluga whales have been found as far north as Lake Michigan? Did you know: Scientists have cataloged the entire beluga whale language, and that it contains upwards of 10.000 words? There's even a beluga whale Wikipedia! Did you know: Beluga whalesfind humans to be more suitable mates than their own species?
